Runnin’ Down a Dream
I’m really doing it this time. I have so many song lyrics, metaphors, proverbs, poems in my head as I write this blog to “announce” I’m actively pursuing my dream of being a freelance editor. This time, it’s in a way that feels so good — a way that’s going to get some traction and lead me to realizing the kind of life and career I’ve wanted for so long.
As with most life-course-altering decisions, this one began as a persistent discontent. A tug, nudge, heartache, sting. Having worked in and out of the home throughout my professional life, mostly in administrative and operational activities, I fully know that I thrive at home. When I left my operations job at the end of 2020, I thought I had all I wanted with staying and working at home. But when my husband told me in casual conversation “I don’t see the joy in you,” my heart and head slammed the brakes.
I didn’t understand, because I thought “home” was it. But his comment highlighted my ho-hum bleh-ness. Nothing was bad, but nothing was great. The work I was doing was all in my wheelhouse, so what was the problem? Soon after that halting statement from my husband, I was having a conversation with my parents about the future and work and blurted out, “You know, if nothing else depended on it, my dream is to be a full-time book editor.” My dad immediately responded with, “Then why are we talking about anything else?” I almost started crying.
The following couple months I followed those comments and my emotional reactions — experience has taught me to not ignore them. A pivotal conversation with two of my ride-or-dies and fellow entrepreneurs is what finally led me to claiming that I have a dream to be an editor and to be my own boss. I’m a great number two, but when it comes to my passion, I want to be free to create and build my own thing.
When I started Pauline Editing in 2013, I treated it mostly as a side hustle. My mind was like, you’re a stay-at-home mom first, then you help out financially whenever editing jobs come your way. When I went back to work outside the home in 2015, I put the side hustle on the backburner. Over the next five years the dream got watered down — it wasn’t practical, and I was good and fulfilled enough in the operations work I was doing. Or that’s at least what I was telling myself.
The truth is that right there with practicality was fear. Fear was keeping me from believing and moving toward what I wanted to do. The script was: “I’m not good enough. It’s too selfish. I can be just as happy doing something else.” Fear made me compromise and justify burying the gifts that bring me joy.
Life circumstances have teed me up for kicking fear to the curb and feeling the thrill of dreaming again. While finances are always a factor, we thankfully have found ourselves in a position where I can be home, work from home, and wholeheartedly pursue and build my freelance editing business.
I’m not sure dreams ever die. They may get pushed down so deep, or squashed flat, but they still exist. The more I stay present and “awake” to what lights me up, the more my dream responds in kind.
I know it’s not always possible or practical, but I hope every person becomes aware of what dreams they have and follows wherever those dreams lead.
Yeah, I'm runnin' down a dream that never would've come to me
Workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads
I'm runnin' down a dream
—Tom Petty (RIP)