When immutability changes you
I’m going back on the job market.
If you’re not familiar with my story, then read my post from last year to find out why this is a little surprising.
This whole year, I have been praying a BHAP (Big Hairy Audacious Prayer) for hubby and I to be debt free and live a debt-free lifestyle. Little victories, failures, and lessons learned along the way had been answers to the BHAP. But deep down, I knew that we weren’t doing all God was asking of us regarding our finances. Unlike my two friends who also had BHAPs, mine required a lot of my participation, not just supernatural intervention.
The turning point came in September, when we took a big, fat, intentional step toward obedience and started the Financial Coaching Class at our church. Around the same time, I started a new Bible study about the book of Judges with my small group (a.k.a. my two BFFs I do life with. For real.). And then my church started a series on the life of David. The class, study, and sermons were sovereignly placed to give me glimmers of the new stage of my family’s life.
A year ago, I quit work to be a stay-at-home mother—a huge step in obedience and faith that was almost immediately proven to be God-ordained. I have reveled in being a homemaker—truly making our home. I have learned A LOT about how to take care of my family well. With such confidence of the direction we took, I now recognize that I clung to the calling. The previous sentence should always end with Jesus, but you can see mine doesn’t. I was clinging to something that came from God, but it’s still no substitute for God himself.
Yep, dang it. We can even make an idol out of God’s calling and command on our lives. That leads to blindspots keeping you from seeing where God is leading. It can totally remove the wise perspective you’re desperately seeking. All the while, he’s saying to first remove what you’re putting ahead of him, then things will become more clear.
And I sure thought I was doing a good job of surrendering. At least, more than ever before. But surrendering ALL includes putting on the altar the very calling God gave me.
After slapping my head in disbelief at that realization, I found myself wondering a lot. Why would God so clearly call me to one thing, only to call me to the complete opposite thing a year later? Well, there are a lot of reasons that have to do with his sovereign perspective, but the main thing I had to acknowledge and accept was that he is constantly pursuing us and working on us to be better reflections of his image. That means change.
But God is immutable, right? I had to wrestle with and reconcile what I thought were conflicting facts about God. Here’s the refined truth I graciously was given and claim: God’s character never changes, but his plans for us can. Even if the change comes a mere year later. Why did I think he was going to keep me in the same place and circumstances for the rest of my life? Just because I was so sure of my obedience with the first thing—and reassured by his many blessings after—doesn’t mean he won’t ask for more change from me again. And again. And again.
So, the logical thing to note here is that if God’s character never changes, then our prayers for guidance should be focused on the immutable things of God—not so often on the specific scenarios, or possibilities, or what ifs of life for which we ask him to reveal his will.
For hubby and I, the few facts were:
God’s foremost request is for us to start obeying and get our finances straight.
In our present circumstances, the most logical way to achieve #1 is for me to go back to work.
In all we do, we are to glorify him.
From there, instead of going into our default “Pull yourself up by your boot straps, get ‘er done, obsess over everything until something happens” mode, we wanted to be patient and wait on God. We wanted to hear from him about what me “going back to work” meant, and what it should look like. Part time? Full time? Freelance? Just anything, or something career and experience-specific? After some good advice, we decided to pray separately about it for one week and then come back together and see what we individually felt. And wouldn’t you know it, we found ourselves concluding the exact same thing.
It was like God was telling us…
Use the wisdom and sense I have given you two, based on the truths you’re already sure of (see 3 points above). Move forward with confidence that I will guide you along the way.
By avoiding an obsessive, DIY life mode, we had gone to the other extreme with a “holier than thou” waiting on God mode. So, where is the balance? It’s found in the conclusions hubby and I came to while praying separately those few days. We do need to be active in decisions—use what God has already given, and base it on his foundational, unchanging truths. Combine that action with positive passivity and listening ears, and you’ve got a winner.
The more I processed the freedom of this revelation and the journey we’ve been on, the more ways I saw God’s handiwork in the details. Here are a few of the ways hindsight has demonstrated God’s grace and perfect timing:
In my time at home, he was preparing me to be “domestically efficient,” so that we could continue that way when I had to work again. God knew who he needed me to be, and that we would be making these decisions at this time.
We are not pregnant yet. We started trying to have a third baby earlier in the year, figuring we’d be pregnant within a few months, because previously it didn’t take longer than two months. In October, when all the bittersweet revelations started coming to us concerning what God was doing in our lives, it had been seven months of trying, without a pregnancy to show for it. We stopped trying to get pregnant. We knew that God needed us to be obedient with our finances—and we believe it was his tremendous grace to withhold a third baby, so that we can more clearly focus on the giant at hand.
We went with public school for Kindergarten for Stella, instead of homeschool, which we heavily considered. If we had decided to homeschool, then me going back to work now would have meant either another massive change for Stella to enter public school, or the inability for me to go to work again because I was homeschooling.
Thinking of homeschooling, that decision process earlier this year was very similar to this one about me working again. We were fretting, going back and forth, asking God repeatedly to make it clear for us. We finally realized he didn’t care so much whether we homeschooled or not—he just wanted us to be intentional, use the wisdom he already gave us, and make the decision we felt was best for our family and would allow us to glorify him.
Unfortunately, some lessons are not internalized until we’ve had to learn them a few times. Such is the case, so far, for me and the whole decision-making process. But one thing I hope is now engrained—to always be aware of the things I am clinging to and storing up, instead of letting go and laying down. Even the gifts God gave me in the first place. Especially those.
And I gotta for real repeat to myself the truth that God is unchanging, but is a God who loves change. I’m starting to understand it is one of his favorite instruments of refining. He is never done with us, not until we are dead and with him again. In the meantime, I will learn to rest more in his steadfastness. And with increasing excitement and confidence, I will surrender more to the one who knows it all and loves me the most.
Now, who wants to bet I will be writing another post 12 months from now announcing I’m pregnant and staying at home again? Ha! I don’t know. But God does. And that is getting better and better for me.