Editor Confession About Who and Whom

Up until recently, I didn’t know why I still struggled with when to use “who” and “whom” in a sentence. I have looked up the explanation and learned it many times, but obviously it did not embed in my editing brain. I’ve even taught it to others before.

I think part of the reason why correct usage was elusive to me was because I didn’t completely understand the main tip grammarians give to explain when to use either word.

Here is what I always remembered:

“Who” is the subject in a sentence.

“Whom” is the object in a sentence.

Examples:

Who was singing karaoke so early in the morning?

The subject in the sentence is the one singing.

You are singing a duet with whom?

The object of the preposition is the person the subject is singing a duet with.

Seems simple enough.

As I understood it, the tip to figure out the correct word was to substitute the “who” or “whom” for a pronoun—she/he/they for “who,” or her/him/them for “whom.” If the resulting sentence makes sense, then the who/whom choice is correct.

But wait. It’s not always straightforward determining if you’re dealing with a subject or an object. Some sentences make it a little difficult for me to figure out.

Example:

Ask Grandpa how to make the best grilled cheese sandwich.

The subject is actually not stated in the sentence, but is an implied “You.” 

The object of the sentence—more precisely, the object of the verb “ask”—is Grandpa.

So:

Ask [him] how to make the best grilled cheese sandwich.

Whom do I ask how to make the best grilled cheese sandwich?

Then (of course!) we have examples of when we go with what sounds right instead of what is technically correct.

Who do I thank for emptying the dishwasher last night?

That’s how most of us would say it.

Whom do I thank for emptying the dishwasher last night?

That is the technically correct way to say it.

In casual conversation (and in some written contexts), it’s perfectly acceptable to stick with what sounds right or flows better. “Whom” can sound pretentious or stick out like a sore thumb in conversation or dialogue. This flexibility is just another thing you’ve gotta love/hate about the English language!